Our Farewell
by HaleyBub
Summary: Haley loses the most important person in her life, and, along with her friends, goes through the five stages of grief, trying to deal with the loss. Naley tragedy. Short fic. COMPLETE!
1. Prologue Loss

_So... this is something I've been thinking about for a while now, and decided to write it. It's a short story, it's gonna have this prologue and 5 more chapters, and it deals with the five stages of grief. It's gonna have all main characters' points of view, but it focuses on Haley, mostly, and how she deals with losing the person she loves the most. I hope you like it. Oh, and I'm almost done with this story, so I'll probably start working on my other two stories this week. So sorry for taking so long to update, but I promise I haven't forgotten them, I just hadn't had much time lately! Please review!_

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Prologue - Loss 

**"_The five stages __we go through when we lose someone — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live without the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling."_**

Haley's POV:

We won! We actually won the State Championship! I don't know what got into Nathan on the first half of the game, cause he sure wasn't even trying. Important thing is he redeemed himself completely by the end, and, along with Lucas and Skills, he owned the game. My smile can't possibly – and I wouldn't want to – hide how proud I am of him. I could scream for the whole world. Nathan Scott, my husband, the love of my life. And he's gonna be the best father our son could ever want. I know it. All I have to do is look into his amazing blue eyes to be sure. We're gonna be okay, and there's no reason to be afraid, cause he's by my side.

We're at Karen's café, celebrating. I'm talking to Lucas, Nathan doesn't seem as happy as he should be. I'm pretty sure Lucas knows something he's not telling me. But whatever it is, doesn't matter now. Not tonight, not at this moment. As much as I'd like to stay, though, our baby's making me tired already. So I talk to Nathan and we walk to the car, his arm wrapped protectively around me.

"So the doctor said everything's okay? With you and the baby?"

"Yeah, we're fine. Everything's gonna be fine", I assure him. It was probably a good thing that he didn't see me in pain, going to the hospital. He'd worry too much, and probably wouldn't even believe the doctor if he said everything's okay. He'd make them do all the tests again, just to make sure the baby and I are fine. Cause that's who he is, that's how much he worries, and that's part of why I love him so much. We cross the street holding hands, I do a little spin as we smile, enjoying each other's company. But then he turns more serious.

"Hales, I have to tell you something. About why I was playing poorly tonight"

I raise my eyebrows, wondering why this could possibly matter now. But, before any of us can say another word, I see the car coming in our direction. I'm not really sure of what happens next. I remember warning Nathan, but before I can push him out of the way, he does it. He pushes me to the side and I fall, the car passing inches from me. I don't see the car hitting Nathan, but I hear it. And mist of all, I see his bruised body hitting the floor, hard, as the car that hit him keeps going, out of control, to finally crash, too.

"Nathan!" I cry his name as I approach him, seeing a line of blood dripping from his mouth. And he's not moving. I'm afraid to move him and make things worse, and even I knew what to do, I find myself unable to do anything. "Help!" As I cry for help, the memories of our wedding day, and that accident, at all comes rushing back to my mind. This can't be happening, not again.

I see someone coming out of the café, in my direction. It's Lucas. At first he looks lost, too, not knowing what to do. Then he grabs his cell and calls 911. After giving them the information, he comes to me and I throw myself in his arms. My best friend. The one person who could possibly help me make sense out of everything that just happened. I sob as he hugs me, stroking my hair, in an attempt to calm me down.

"I tried to get him out of the way, but the car came so fast, and I…"

"Shh… Hales, it's okay. Help is on the way"

"There's too much blood, Lucas, there shouldn't be this much blood"

"I checked his vitals and he's breathing. There's nothing else we can do, anything else would be too risky."

He's still hugging me, and he doesn't let go. He knows I'll fall apart if he does. It seems like hours till we hear the ambulance coming. The paramedics soon surround Nathan and I can't see him anymore. I look the other way, to the car the hit him, and see them covering the driver's body. He's dead. That image is almost too much for me to take.

"Miss, we gotta take him to the hospital right now, can you come with us, answer a few questions?" Suddenly I notice someone's talking to me. I nod, following the guy into the ambulance Nathan's in. Lucas comes right after me, he knows I can't do this alone.

"I'm sorry, but only one person's allowed with the victim inside the ambulance", another paramedic stops Lucas before he can get in.

I look at him, scared. He squeezes my hand softly, but reassuringly.

"It's gonna be okay, I'll take the car and follow you to the hospital, ok?"

"Ok", it's all I can say before they close the ambulance, and the long drive starts.

I look at Nathan, immobilized, unconscious, hurt. I take his hand, and hold it, never letting go until we stop. They take him so quickly I can barely ask where they're taking him. Then the door closes, and that long wait starts again. They start to ask me questions. I'm trying to answer them all, as fast as possible, but I don't think I can take it any longer. That's when Lucas and Karen walk in.

"Oh, thank god you're here", I run to them, Lucas holds me once again. He takes me to the couch and gets me some water, while Karen takes charge and deals with the questions the police keep asking. I love it when she takes charge. I need her to take charge. I hear her telling them I need some time before talking to them again, they seem to agree.

"Did they say anything about Nathan?" I hear Lucas asking me.

I shake my head. "They just took him inside, said he needed surgery and asked me if I consented to it. I did, and they left with him", I try to stop more tears coming, cause if they do, I'll lose control again.

"I talked to them, they still need to talk to you, but not for now", Karen comes and sits by my side, taking my hand in hers, "Honey, I know it's hard, but we're here with you, and you need to keep calm, ok? Too much stress isn't good for the baby"

I know she's right, but how am I supposed to keep calm in a situation like this? I know I have to try, though. Specially today, of all days, that I've already been to a hospital, already wasn't feeling well. I take a deep breath and for what seems like forever I just stop. I stop thinking, I just try to shut it all out. It's the only way I can keep doing this, the only way I can stay here and wait for this long for news. I hear steps in our direction and lift my head up to see Brooke and Peyton there. They hug me and then Peyton goes to Lucas, giving him a quick peck on the lips. I see Brooke, trying to act as if she's ok with it, and feel bad for her. And then I wonder how on Earth I can be worrying about who's dating who, when Nathan's in surgery and we have no idea how things are going there. As if she read my mind, Karen gets up and goes somewhere, see if she gets any information. Then my attention goes back to Brooke. She likes to act strong, always, for other's sake, and for her own. I know she's doing that now. About Nathan, about Peyton and Lucas. To anyone who watches it, it's almost as if she _knows_ there's nothing to worry about, but inside she's breaking. Just like me. Just like all of us. She's standing in front of me, and gives me a small smile when I look at her. So I reach for her hand and pull her so that she sits next to me, where Karen was. And I sigh, resting my head on her shoulder. She doesn't say a word, just keeps holding my hand, keeps strong, for all of us. Then I get a glimpse of Peyton. With her, it's different. She's usually not able to let her guard down, but when it's just us, the people she trusts, she lets herself cry, and feel everything. Something not even I can do at this moment. It seems overwhelming. She looks at me, and I can tell she's trying to think of something to say, or do. But, unlike Brooke, she can't be sure things are gonna be ok, and she can't pretend she does.

"They still don't know anything", Karen comes back.

"This can still take a while… anyone wants me to go get some water, or juice?" Peyton asks. I can tell she can't just stay there doing nothing. She hates hospitals, and I'm beginning to understand her reasons more and more at each moment.

"I'll go with you", I seem to surprise everyone when I stand up. That's when I realize I hadn't said anything in a really long time.

"Honey, are you sure? We can go get you anything…" Brooke says, worried. Probably worried about the baby, and worrying that I shouldn't walk too much, or that I've already had too much stress today. But she has no idea how just sitting here can be so much worse than walking and getting a little tired. My mind is already tired as hell, anyway.

"Yeah… I just need to do something so that I don't go crazy", I tell her softly, before walking on Peyton's direction. Brooke nods quietly, and Karen sits next to her.

"So? How are you holding up?" Peyton asks as we walk to the vending machines.

I try to think of an answer for that. An honest answer. But I can't come up with anything. I don't think anyone can ever describe this feeling, this fear of losing the person you love the most, unless you've already been through it. And she has, so she doesn't need me to say anything to know exactly what I'm feeling.

"He's gonna be ok, right?" I say it more to myself than to her. Then I feel new tears coming to my eyes, "I mean, he has to. I need him, Peyton, this baby needs him!" I point to my stomach, already letting the tears run freely down my face.

Peyton doesn't say a word this time, just pulls me into a tight hug and lets me cry. "We all love him, and we all love you too. We're all here for the both of you. He's gonna be ok, you have to believe that."

"I'm trying, I really am. But I can't. I have this feeling, and it won't go away. This feeling that something is very wrong"

"Don't do that to yourself", she says, before closing her eyes and letting a single tear fall, too. "Come on, let's go get you something to eat"

I'm not hungry, but I just nod and we walk there. She gets some M&M's – not fair, by the way, she knows how much I love those – and we go back to the waiting room. When we get there, my heart almost stops as I see a doctor talking to Lucas; Brooke and Karen with her heads lowered. Peyton softly squeezes my hand, and we go to them. I feel like I'm about to pass out, and it gets worse when I see the look in the doctor's eyes. I'm already in shock, even before he says the words. Those few words that would change my life forever: "I'm sorry, we tried everything we could… but we lost him."

**"_People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We don't enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another, and back again to the first one. You'll see what I mean…"_**

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_The texts in bold are from the book "On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss", by _Elisabeth Kübler-Ross _and_ David Kessler_. I found the text on the internet and thought it'd be interesting to have something explaining the stages people go through. And the title is a song by _Within Temptation._ I tried to make it all as realistic as possible. I hope I managed to do that with their feelings and reactions. Hope you liked it so far!_


	2. Denial

Chapter 1 – Denial

**"_The first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. __We're in a state of shock. We go numb."_**

Lucas' POV:

When the doctor came in our direction, it was obvious he had bad news. But still, I don't think any of us was even remotely ready for something like that. Something so… decisive, so final.

"No, it can't be it. You have to go back, you haven't tried hard enough…", suddenly I hear myself telling him, my voice echoing through the waiting room.

"Sir, I know it's hard to hear this… but we did try…"

"Well, try harder!" I yell, really loud. And then there's silence. This suffocating silence, broken by the doctor's voice.

"He had too many internal injuries, he lost a lot of blood. There was no time to do much", he says and lowers his head. Brooke cries on my mom's shoulder. And the doctor turns to Haley, "Mrs. Scott, we need to talk to you about…"

I can't hear much more of what he's saying. Cause the moment he looks at her, and starts talking to her, what I'm feeling and what I wanna do, none of it matters anymore. All that matters is my best friend. Pregnant, and probably feeling lonelier than ever. Luckily, my mom goes to her.

"How about you let me handle things for now?"

"Someone should call Dan… and Deb", Brooke whispers, quietly.

"I'll do that, then I'll talk to the doctors and take care of everything as soon as possible so we can all go home", my mom says it with a tired voice and leaves. I look at the girls. All three of them, so connected to Nathan in such different ways, hurting, dealing in their own way, too. Each one of them means the world to me, and yet, here I am, not being able to say or do anything. All I can do is stand still, and think of how my brother is gone for good. The brother I hated not so long ago, who was a stranger to me, who was a jerk to everyone before Haley came along. And then we became brothers, we became friends. Family. All of us, actually. I think of Keith, the way his life was taken away. And now Nathan… I can't even think about it. This whole thing, the accident…

I look at Haley. At first I think she's looking back at me. But it only takes a moment to realize she's not even aware of what's going on around her. It's not until a few minutes later that she looks back at me, and I recognize in her eyes everything that I'm feeling. She lets go of Peyton's hand and slowly walks in my direction. I hold her tight, as if by doing so I could take all her pain away, and I finally let myself cry. To my surprise, she doesn't. She just hugs me back and rests her head on my chest.

Brooke is the one who hasn't stopped crying since the doctor left. It breaks my heart to see her like that, but right now I can't let go of Haley. It's almost as if I'm afraid she'll break if I let her go. I see Peyton sitting next to Brooke and putting an arm on her back. Brooke just looks at her with teary eyes and they hug, Peyton soon starts to cry, too. Haley's the only one who hasn't shed one tear, and it's starting to worry me. If it was Brooke, or Peyton, it wouldn't be totally unexpected, but Hales has never been one to hide her feelings. And if she's not hiding, it can only mean one thing: it hasn't really sunk in yet. She's in shock. Denial.

"I called Dan, he said he'll come and take care of everything so that we can take Haley home soon", my mom comes to us again, "we just have to wait till he gets here. We… thought it was better not to tell Deb right away", she has her eyes full of tears, too, when she gets near me and Haley, and softly touches her shoulder, "Oh, honey…"

Haley doesn't move, holding onto me for dear life, and my mom nods, understandingly.

**"_We wonder how we can go on, __if we can go on, if we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each moment."_**

The door suddenly bursts open and Dan walks in, his face red.

"Where is he? Where's the bastard who killed my son?" his voice is as strong as thunder as he comes in our direction.

"Dan, calm down, it was an accident, and the driver died in the crash", mom tries to reason with him, but he's not listening.

"The hell it was!" his voice is even louder this time. The girls look at him, scared. "I'm going to the bottom of this, and they're gonna pay…"

"He's already dead, damn it!" Brooke surprises everyone by standing up in front of him, in a desperate attempt to make him stop, "And no matter what you do or say, and how much you yell, he's not coming back, no matter whose fault it was"

He stares at her for a while, and she holds his stare, standing between him and us. He seems determined to blame someone. It happened to me, too, when Keith died. I blamed Dan himself, I blamed me, and finally Jimmy, before I could finally accept that he was gone. And I'd love to do that now, and it feels like I'll explode if I don't let out all this pain. It's indescribable. But I can't do anything this time, not with both my mom and my best friend there, both pregnant and alone. At this moment I remember the day Haley told me she was pregnant, and the moment, at the press conference, when Nathan told everyone, proudly, he was gonna be a father. It's not fair, this whole year, it was all about losing people, in so many different ways, but all painful ones. And at that moment I can't help but let more tears fall. They fall for Nathan. For Haley, who can't even shed them right now, for their baby, who will never meet his dad. And at this moment I decide to be there for this boy, my nephew, just like Keith was, for me. Haley won't be alone, and neither will this baby. I look at Dan. So much anger hiding even more pain. And I realize, hesitantly, how much we have in common now. We both lost our brothers. We're gonna be uncles soon. He lost a son and I lost a father. He wants someone to blame, just like I did. But something's different now. I blamed everyone who'd cross my way, for no reason. The way he said it, he was so sure… That's when it hits me, what he means. I immediately look at him and say it to myself: "Daunte…" He sees me and only nods, quietly.

"Did you say something?" I swear I feel chills down my spine when I hear Haley's voice in the first time for a while. It's broken, it's barely a whisper, as she looks up at me.

Daunte. That bastard killed my brother. And he didn't even have the decency to stick around long enough to pay for what he did.

"Hales, I gotta go talk to Dan for a moment, ok?" I hold her arms, looking straight at her, and kiss her forehead before I turn around and follow Dan away from them. I try to keep calm and not jump to conclusions before I hear what Dan knows.

"I got the name of the driver when I got here. It was him, Lucas, it was NOT an accident!" he tries not to yell and draw attention to himself again.

That's it. Nathan was murdered. He'll never get to see his son, he'll never go to college and be a professional basketball player. I'll never see my brother again, Haley will never see her husband. Deb lost her only son. Dan lost one of us. And all of that because of what? Because of money. Because of a game. A game I refused to lose. An order he refused to obey. My mind is racing, and I can't stand still. I know this feeling too well. I was hoping I'd never have to go through it again. At least not that soon.

"The bastard!" I yell, even louder than Dan did when he got to the hospital. I kick a trash can in front of me and the noise can be heard from afar. Dan comes near me and puts his hand on my shoulder, but I shove it away. I hear him sighing, and I can almost hear him debating with himself whether not to say anything else.

"Think of Haley. Think of your mom. We both know I can't be the rational one, so you're gonna have to do this"

He's right. It's easier for him, though. He can come and scream in front of everybody, and I have to be rational about it. If it was just me I had to think about, I'd be out of here by now, for sure. I can't stand this place anymore. _Think of Haley._ I do that, and, for a second, I almost consider her lucky. Lucky she's still not really aware of anything, she's still in shock, she's not taking it all in yet.

**"_Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us pace our feelings of grief. There's a grace in denial. It's nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle."_**

I nod at what Dan says and turn around to go back to where my mom and the girls are. But my mom's already in front of me.

"Lucas, I heard your voice, and then there was this loud noise… is everything ok with you?"

"Sure. Never felt better in my life", I don't know why I say it, and in this tone I use. She's not to blame for anything. "I'm sorry, mom, I'm sorry, I'm just…"

"I know", she softly puts her hand on my face, making me look at her. Then she hugs me. Haley suddenly appears, too, looking exhausted.

"Can we just go now?" she almost begs with her eyes.

And still, no tears. Not one.

"Sure, honey…" mom says, and glances at Dan, "You want me to stay? Lucas can drive them home, and…"

"No. It's not good for you to stay here any longer than you have to. I'll take care of everything, it's no problem."

How can he be so calm, so together? Well, it's Dan, sure, he can be a little creepy sometimes, and he did make that whole scene before, but that was it. I guess each person really does have their own way to grieve.

"Come on, let's get out of here", my mom starts walking, waiting for us to follow.

"Luke… I was wondering… can I… stay at your place tonight?" Haley asks me, almost embarrassed.

I can only give her a hug. "You think I'd let you stay alone today?" She tries to smile, but can't seem to. "Look, I have one last thing to check with Dan, but I'll be at the car in five minutes, so we can go home."

She nods and I turn back to Dan. "So, what do we do now?"

"You do nothing, I'll take care of this"

"I should've supported him, I shouldn't have made him win that game, but I had no idea Daunte was that dangerous, that he'd go this far…"

"None of us did. Urgh, if I'd just lent him the money when he asked me…" he blames himself. I blame myself. Right now I can say the two of us just wanted to turn back time, change one little thing, anything to change this outcome, or to keep him from getting mixed up with these people in the first place. We just stay in silence for a moment, too lost in our own thoughts to say anything. "Like I said… let me handle this", he says it, at last. I only nod and turn around to leave. Before I take the first step, I feel someone's hand coming fast in my direction and slapping my face. But the slap is nothing, compared to what I feel when her eyes lock with mine. Haley heard it all. And what I see in her expression… she's not lost anymore. Cause she finally found someone to blame.

**"_As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you're unknowingly beginning the healing process. You're becoming stronger, and the denial's beginning to fade. But, as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface…"_**

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_It was hard trying to write a whole chapter on Lucas' POV, but I hope it turned out ok. I'm trying to focus on Haley, and the way she's dealing with everything, even when it's someone else's POV, but there's a chapter later on that won't have much of her. Either way, it's mostly Haley going through all the stages, with the other characters it gets a little mixed. Well, make sure to leave a nice review after you read! _


	3. Anger

_Next chapter's here! This one was way easier to write, cause it's on Brooke's POV and I LOVE writing it! Here it is, and don't forget to review! Thanks for everyone who wrote and let me know their opinion on the story so far! Oh, and I'm almost finished with this story, so I'll try and write a new chapter for another one of my fics, and maybe update at least one of them over the weekend. Hope you guys haven't given up on _Kill the Pain_ and _Someone Like Me_ yet! _

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Chapter 2 – Anger 

**"_Anger means you're progressing, that you're allowing all those feelings that were simply __too much before to come to the surface. Life is unfair. Death is unfair. Anger is a natural reaction to the unfairness of loss."_**

Brooke's POV:

"Hales, I…" I can hear Lucas trying to explain it to Haley. But how can he explain something like that? I heard it all, too, and I have to say, if she hadn't slapped him in the face, I would've. How could he do that? Put a game, a Championship, yeah, but still, a damn basketball game, before Nathan's safety? He knew what was going on all along, and still he didn't try to help. He didn't think of Haley, he didn't think of Deb, or even Nathan himself, only thought about winning. Great for him, he won, and now we've all lost.

I'd known Nathan for almost as long as I know Peyton. Right after we became cheerleaders in the junior leagues. He played, we cheered, we hung out. Sure, after he became the star of the team he was an idiot, and he got even worse after he and Peyton started going out. But what most people don't know is that we were pretty good friends before all of that. We were all part of the popular group, so it was a natural thing that we were friends. He used to defend me and Peyton from anyone and anything since we were 11. He was so protective of us it was even annoying sometimes. It all changed in high school. But then he fell in love with Haley, and, slowly, we saw that 11 year old was still in him, but he'd kept him hidden for a long time. Haley and Lucas joined us, and we had our little group again. Me, my two best friends, and two other people I learned to trust. Nathan and I weren't friends like before, though. He had Haley, I had Lucas… I never told him how glad I was to see him changed into a nice guy, to be able to trust him again, how glad I was to have him back in my life. Now it's too late. And every time I can finally stop my tears from coming, a new memory comes to my mind, and I start crying again. And now that Peyton and Lucas are together, and we're not exactly on the best terms, I feel lonelier than ever. It's amazing how something like this can put things into perspective, though. For the last couple of hours I keep thinking of the way I've been acting since Nathan and Haley's wedding. With Peyton, mostly, but also with Lucas. How I've been hiding and trying to deny everything I still feel. And how he's too dense to notice it. But, mostly, how stupid it is to fight about it. Sure, it hurts like hell when I see the two of them, but I can't say I didn't have a chance to do anything. One, two, a thousand chances. But I didn't even try to fix things. However, what I've been thinking about the most is that it could've happened to any other one of us. Hell, it still can, at any time, anywhere. And then we're just… gone. What if it was Peyton? What if something happened to her, or if, god forbid, that psycho Derek dude had done something more, and I'd lost her, without any chance of making things better, without the slightest chance of ever being friends with her again? The more I think of everything I wanted to say to Nathan, how much he meant to me, the more I cry. No second chances, no turning back. It's done. And I've just found out Lucas, or Dan, both of them could've prevented it.

"You what, Lucas? What can you possibly have to say?" Haley interrupts him while he tries to come up with something else to say.

"I didn't know…"

"You knew. _I_ was the one who didn't know a thing! But there's one thing I know now. You led him into this, you made him win that game. You killed Nathan!" Haley's louder at each sentence, while Lucas seems… smaller, almost. He doesn't argue, he doesn't yell back, just cries as he says he's sorry.

"How can you say that? He loved Nathan, too, Haley, we all did. You're not the only one who lost him…" Peyton says, getting closer to Lucas. Ok, you know what? Right now, I could take all the stuff I said before back. I can't believe she'd say that to Haley! Peyton Sawyer, queen of being pissed of at everyone, acts like she never blamed or yelled at anyone out of pain.

"Peyton, Haley's going through a lot right now…" I try to make her see, make them all see that Haley has every reason in the world to blame everyone, to be pissed, to do whatever the hell she wants to do!

"So is Lucas! So am I, so are you, Brooke!" her voice is a little softer as she turns back to Haley, "I'm sorry, Haley, I'm just saying…"

"Don't! Unless you're carrying a baby and you just found out your best friend was responsible for your husband's death, you have NO idea what it feels like, Peyton!" I don't know how the hospital people didn't kick us out yet, with all this yelling we've been doing.

"I have no idea? Yeah, sure, I've _never_ lost someone, ever, right? I _do_ know what it's like, Haley, and I know how much it hurts, trust me, I know. But that doesn't give you the right to say these things to him, you said it yourself, your best friend!"

"Yeah, cause you sure know a lot about being a good friend", I chuckle and almost immediately feel bad about it. We're all saying things we'll regret later. But you know what? Right now, I don't care. Those moments are one of those few when you get to say the things you really feel, but don't have the courage to say out loud most of the time. Thing is, you're too lost, and hurting too much to think of other people's feelings. Anger, pain, it can do that to you. It can make you selfish.

Peyton doesn't say anything back. I wanna say something to her, tell her I didn't really mean it, and I know she wants to apologize to Haley, too. But, instead, I just take Haley's hand, causing her to look at me.

"Let's just get out of here, okay?" I say, softly, and she nods.

"Hales…" Lucas' weak voice can be heard as he approaches us, but I lift my arm in his direction, making him stop.

"She needs some time, Lucas", it's all I say, before we both walk away from them.

**"_Unfortunately, however, anger can isolate you from friends and family at the precise time you may need them the most."_**

"Thanks, Brooke", Haley says, quietly, and I wrap my arms around her in a side hug.

"You'll be alright, Tutor Girl, I promise" God, I hope that's a promise I can keep.

We walk to my car, and, as we get in, I realize I don't even know where Haley wants to go.

"I was supposed to spend the night at Lucas'…" she tells me, as if she read my mind. "I can't go home, Brooke. Not now."

"You know I love with Rachel, right?" I ask her, carefully. It's not like Rachel would be Ms Bitch to her, not with something that serious going on, but I don't want Haley to be somewhere she's not comfortable. "Will you be ok?"

"I guess…" she sighs.

"Well… anything happens… I got your back", I give her a small smile, that she actually returns, and I turn the engine on, driving away from the hospital. I feel guilty leaving Lucas, Peyton, Karen, and even Dan like that, but Haley's the one I'm more concerned about. And, as long as I can keep this girl from falling apart completely, that's all I care about. It doesn't take too long till we get to Rachel's house. And my own, kind of, for the time being. It feels weird. Wrong. My first instinct in a bad situation is always to run to Peyton's house. Or to Lucas'. I almost forget I can't exactly do that anymore. Better yet, I shouldn't. Haley probably wouldn't want to, anyway. I open the door, letting Haley and myself in. Rachel's not in the living room, or the kitchen. I glance outside, and that's when I notice her car's not there. She's probably still out, celebrating the Ravens victory. Ravens victory… wow… it all seems like it happened so long ago…

"Rachel's not home yet, and she probably won't be back too soon, so you don't have to worry about it"

"Ok", is all she says, nodding.

"You… you wanna eat something, or…"

"Not hungry, thanks", she answers, barely looking up. I wanna do something, anything to keep her from feeling this way, but I know there's nothing to do. I can only be there for her. I look at her, and for a moment it's like she doesn't know I'm there.

"Why don't we go get some rest?" But she's still not listening. I walk closer, till I'm in front of her, and softly touch her arm, "Haley?"

Hey eyes slowly turn in my direction and, as I'm about to say something, she speaks in a whisper.

"I saw the car, Brooke?"

"What?"

"It's all I've been thinking about since the hospital. Before the guy hit him, I saw the car coming, and I froze. I tried to push him away, but he ended up pushing me… saving me. I should've done something…"

Her eyes start to fill with tears. Before she says anything else, I pull her into a tight hug.

**"_You also may experience feelings of guilt, which is anger turned inward on yourself. But you're not to blame. If you could change things, you would, but you can't. Anger affirms that you _can_ feel, that you _did _love, and that you _have_ lost."_**

"Don't do this to yourself, Haley. You know any of us would do anything to bring him back, but we can't. _You_ can't, and you couldn't have stopped it", I say it as I hug her tighter, stroking her hair.

She finally lets herself cry, better yet, sob. We sit on the couch, and she's crying so hard she's shaking as I rock her back and forth. Eventually, I let my own tears fall, too, but always controlling myself. I can't let myself breakdown now, I've already did that on the hospital, but now I gotta be strong. For Haley, and for her baby. I can't tell how much time has passed, till she finally starts to calm down. Her phone suddenly starts to ring, she picks it up and we see it's Lucas. She looks blankly at it, not saying or doing anything.

"You know it wasn't his fault, don't you?" I say it, contradicting my own previous thoughts, while she rests her head on my lap, wiping a few remaining tears from her face. Haley nods. "Look, Haley, if you wanna be mad, if you wanna stay away for now… I understand. And I'm here for you, no matter what you do…"

She looks at me thankfully before saying it.

"But…?"

"But he's hurting too", I finally admit it, more to myself than to her, "And he's probably hurting even more cause he can't be the one to be there for you. I know you're in a place where you need someone to blame right now, and that's why I stood up for you at the hospital, cause I do understand that. I guess I'm just saying you should talk to him. If not now, well, then as soon as you're ready."

The phone hasn't stopped ringing yet. She looks at me, thinking of what I just said, till she sighs and hands me the phone.

"Not now", it's all she says.

I pick it up and reluctantly answer it.

"Hey"

"Brooke… so you're with Haley. Is she alright?"

"Yeah, she's with me. We're at Rachel's, she didn't wanna go home tonight", I stop for a moment and he doesn't say anything, "How about you, Luke? Are you okay?"

"My mom and I, we just got home. This whole thing, it's still hard the believe it. I keep expecting him to call or stop by at anytime, you know?"

I can hear the pain in his voice. I close my eyes and slowly rest my head on the couch, starting to cry once again. I've always been stronger than that, but I'd never experienced a loss like that. This emptiness, this hole, it's the worst thing I've ever felt. Worse than the fear of being pregnant last year, worse than the pain of finding out about Lucas and Peyton. Cause it's all those feelings, together, but stronger.

"I know", it's all that I can say right now, till I think of something he said, "Lucas… Peyton's not there with you?"

"She asked me to leave her at her place, said she needed to be alone"

"What? And you listened?"

"Brooke… she's a big girl, she'll deal with it her own way, and she'll ask for help when she needs to"

I'm not entirely convinced. He doesn't know her like I do. It just seems wrong, no one should be alone tonight. But, eventually, I just give in.

"I know… I know, you did the right thing. I just worry, that's all"

"I know, I worry too. Thanks, Brooke. For taking care of Haley", I can tell how hard it is for him, not to be able to be the one taking care of her at this moment, but I can also tell he means it when he thanks me. All that matters in the end is making sure Haley gets through these days.

"You don't have to thank me, Lucas. She's my Tutor Girl, I'll make sure she's ok", I keep stroking her hair, she shifts her position, still resting her head on my lap, but now looking straight up at me, and I can see a tiny smile form on her face. I smile back softly, before turning my attention back to Lucas. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure… I'll see you"

"Luke…" I say, before he hangs up. There's so much I want to say, so many words I can't seem to find, to make everything better. For him, for Haley, for all of us. But I don't. Instead, I just sigh and say, "Take care, ok?" He knows that's not all, but he probably can't think of anything else, either. So we hang up.

"Is he okay?" Haley asks.

"Yeah… he wanted to make sure you were okay, too"

"I'm anything but okay right now, Brooke", she says, sitting up beside me.

"I know, honey. Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?"

"I'm tired… but at the same time… there's no way I'll be able to get any sleep, anyway"

"Come on", I get up and help her up, too. "Maybe if you lay down on a decent bed you'll get some rest"

We go to mine and Rachel's room, and I point her to my bed. She doesn't say anything, just takes her shoes off and lays down, covering herself with the blanket, and stares at the ceiling. I sit beside her and take her hand in mine, making her turning her head and look at me.

"You're comfortable there? Need an extra pillow or anything?" I keep asking her if she needs anything, if there's anything I can do, cause I don't know what else to do. I guess she knows that, cause she just shakes her head. She turns so that she's lying on her side, and puts her free hand on her belly. My face changes into a worried expression as she does that. "Did you feel anything?"

"No… I just… I feel safer when I see it, when I know this little baby's here. Even if… even if his dad's not anymore", she chokes on a few tears, and curls up in bed like a little child. I kneel beside the bed, wiping her tears away for a few minutes, and get her a glass of water on the nightstand. She sits up and drinks a little, her breathing slowly going back to normal. Then I finally get her to lie down again.

"Where are you gonna sleep?" she suddenly asks me.

I shrug and sit by the bed again, brushing a stray hair from her face. "How about I just stay here and worry about it after I can get you to rest your eyes for a bit?"

"Brooke…"

"Don't worry about me now. You know me well enough not to argue, right?"

She nods, turns to her side and closes her eyes. She's still holding my hand tight, almost afraid to let go. I don't know how much time passes by, with Haley constantly turning and moving, but she eventually gives into sleep. I still stay close for a few more minutes, to make sure everything's ok, and then I grab my cell phone and quietly leave the room. I flip the phone open and see a picture of Haley and Nathan on their wedding day. I must've gotten Haley's phone by mistake. I wanna close it, never look at this picture again, cause it hurts too damn much. But something keeps me from doing it, so I keep looking until I can't stand it anymore. I'm crying so hard it hurts, I lean against the room's closed door and slowly let myself fall, till I'm sitting on the floor, my legs folded against my chest. I cry until I feel weak, and yet the tears are still coming. I hear the door opening behind me, and Haley sits beside me, to my surprise, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and letting me rest my head on hers until the crying finally subsides. I feel ashamed. She shouldn't be the one comforting me, it was supposed to be the other way around.

"It's ok, Brooke. I'm not the only one who's hurting, I know that. It's okay not to be strong all the time"

I nod and wipe one last tear away, before getting up and going back into the room to get my cell phone, while Haley looks at me confused.

"Brooke, who are you calling? It's 3 in the morning"

"Well, I guess it's safe to say we're not getting any sleep tonight, so… I have to check on Peyton. Lucas said she wanted to be alone, and when she says that, those are the moments she needs someone the most. God, boys can be so stupid sometimes", I roll my eyes and Haley chuckles. She actually laughs, for like half a second, at least that's something.

I start dialing Peyton's number, but before I finish, the phone starts to ring, and – surprise, surprise – it's Peyton. These kinds of things always happened to us, we learned to get used to those little coincidences.

"Peyton, you're alright?" I answer the phone in a heartbeat and talk to her, concern evident in my voice, "I was just calling you right now…"

"Brooke, I… I don't know what to do…" Something about the way she says that scares the hell out of me.

"I'm on my way", I say before hanging up and turning to Haley, "I gotta go see her, now. Is it okay if we spend the rest of the night there?"

"Actually, I was hoping you'd give me a ride to Lucas. Your best friend needs you right now… and I guess I need mine, too."

I go to her and take both her hands in mine. "I'm glad you decided to talk to him"

And, in about 10 minute's time, we're both in my car, in front of Lucas' house. Haley sighs heavily, then hugs me.

"Thanks, Brooke. For everything. I love you, you know that?"

"I love you, too, Tutor Girl", she starts to leave the car when I call her once again, "Haley… if you need anything, anytime…"

"I know. Thanks", she smiles softly and gets out of the car. I stay until I see Lucas opening the door and the two of them hugging, and crying on each other's shoulders. I take a deep breath and drive to Peyton's house, where I've been not too long ago, giving her the news I'd just heard. _Nathan's in the hospital. It's bad, Peyton, it's really bad._ I hadn't walked into that room for so long, and when I finally did, it was only to bring her bad news. She so didn't need any more of those. God knows she's had enough for a lifetime. But when I said it was bad, not in a million years would I have thought it was gonna be _this_ bad.

I park the car outside and go to her front door. It's locked, so I use my key to get in. When I enter the house, my heart almost stops as I hear the sound of breaking glass upstairs. I walk up the stairs and into Peyton's room. I see pictures frames that have been thrown across the room, ripped pictures, broken glass. If I didn't know better, I'd think there was a fight in here. But then I see her, on a corner of the room, crying quietly. She slowly lifts her head up and looks at me. And at that moment I know I'm right. She didn't fight anyone. Just her own pain. The broken glass, broken frames, none of it is more broken than the girl who did all this. The blonde girl crying on the floor, right in front of me.

**"_The more anger you allow, the more feelings you will find underneath. Mostly you'll find the pain of loss. It may seem that if you go into the pain, you'll never come out of it, or that the pain will never end. But you will. The anger will subside, and the feelings of loss will change form again…"_**


	4. Bargaining

_Sorry it took me a while to come and post the next chapter, this week's been just plain crazy! But here it is! Thanks for everyone who's been reviwing. Oh oh, and now I'm finally getting some time (like a week) without the damn tests in college so I think I'll be able to write at least one chapter for one of my other stories. I sure hope so! So check them out if you can! Now on with the story!_

* * *

Chapter 3 – Bargaining

_**"We want life returned to what it was. We wanna go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening… if only, if only, if only…"**_

Haley's POV:

"Hey…" I say, looking down, when Lucas opens the door. Is he mad at me? Angry? Disappointed? I don't have the courage to look into his eyes long enough to figure it out, not after everything I said. Luckily, I don't have to. He says hey back and envelopes me in a warm hug. I hug him back, crying, trying to apologize, but the words get lost between my sobs. He softly puts his hand on my head, soothing me, calming me down, even though I can see he's not so calm himself. Time seems to stop for a moment as we cry. As both of us, who've been through everything together, go through one of the most difficult times in his life, and definitely the single most painful time in mine.

"I'm sorry", he finally says, slowly pulling me away and looking in my eyes.

"I'm sorry, too"

* * *

"Dan and I went to see Deb earlier today", Karen says as she brings us something to eat, "We knew it wasn't gonna be easy, but we never imagined…" she stops for a moment, sitting on the couch beside me and covering her face with her hands. 

I put my hand on her back. "Karen? What happened? What did she…?"

"She had to be sedated. She kept saying she was gonna kill herself, that she didn't wanna live anymore… They think it could be even worse if she attends to the funeral tomorrow, so I guess it's better if she doesn't…"

The funeral… Funeral. No other word made this whole thing seem so real. No other moment made me think of everything like this one, right now. I know it's real, but it _can't_ be. I can't stand the mere thought of tomorrow without Nathan. Let alone the day after that, the weeks that will be followed by months, years. Forever. I used to think of this word and feel nothing but safety. Cause that's what it used to mean. Forever. That was how long we were gonna be with each other, loving each other, protecting each other. And it wouldn't be enough. Now it seems like an empty, hollow road. Too long, too difficult. Impossible to walk alone. Cause now forever is how long I'll be without him. And this thought, this notion is way more than I can take.

"Have you seen… you know… have you seen him at the hospital?" I ask to no one in particular.

"I have. We had to sign some papers and take care of things… so they took us to see… you know, the body", Karen's voice shakes.

"You mean, Nathan", my voice is cold. She can't just say it like that. Hell, I can't hear it. Hearing his name is hard enough, but the way she said it, it was too final.

"Yes, honey, sorry"

"Are you sure, Karen? I mean, there has to be something they didn't try, something they can still do, and get him back…" my voice breaks, and I notice her heart breaks, too. She wraps her arms around me, which only makes me cry harder. "There has to be a way to bring him back to me"

She doesn't say anything, but I know what's going through her mind. I know now the exact way she felt, not so long ago, when the man she loved was suddenly taken away from her. I snuggle closer to her. Karen Roe is a mother. Not just Lucas' mother. A mother to all of us, whenever we need one. And there are some things only someone like her can understand, some things only she can fix. And even if she can't fix anything, she always finds a way to ease your pain a little. It all hurts just the same, and it's hard to explain, but it can make you feel safer.

"I just want him back", I say it one more time, the words barely being able to leave my mouth.

"I know you do, honey…" Karen sighs, still holding me. To my surprise, at this moment, Lucas gets up and goes to his room, without even looking at us. I pull away from Karen and turn my head to where Lucas just went.

"He's been taking this whole thing pretty hard. I tried talking to him, but…"

"Karen… I said some things to him, back at the hospital. I overheard him and Dan…"

"I know. Dan told me about it, but Lucas hasn't mentioned anything", she stops for a moment, before looking back at me, "Haley, you know, when Keith died…" she hesitates, and I can see how hard it still is for her to talk about it, to even speak his name. And I realize it now, that it's always gonna be there. Maybe it does get easier with time – not that I actually believe any of this right now – but that void, it's never going away. "…it was hard, and I was in a really dark place. I told Lucas it was his fault. I don't know why, but I had to. I needed someone to blame. It's like it wasn't me. I'd never do that, say those things to my own son, just like I know you didn't mean it, either. It was like something took over me…"

"Yeah…" I'm still surprised at what she's saying. I knew she took it hard, but I could never imagine her saying things like that to Lucas. Sure, he'd mentioned his mom had blamed him, but up until now, I thought he'd misunderstood things. "We both took it out on him, huh?" I look down. She touches my chin and we lock eyes, her hand pushing some stray hair behind my ear.

"I guess it's easier to be mad at the people we love the most. It's safer. Cause we know they'll still be there, no matter what"

"And we forget that maybe they need us to be there for them, also", I say, looking at nowhere and thinking of Lucas. He lost his uncle, who was more like a father to him, and now his brother. It's like… these things keep happening, one right after the other, and we don't even have time to process what's going on before the next event is throw our way. And I think, only for a moment, that maybe Mouth is right when he says things would've been better if we'd never left the Rivercourt. I wouldn't have met Nathan, wouldn't have fallen for him, wouldn't have lost him. But it takes me less than a second to brush that thought away. No. I changed, he showed me a new world, new people, a new life. Literally, too, a new life. This brand new life growing inside of me. I wouldn't take it back for the world. If we'd never left the Rivercourt I wouldn't get the chance to know Brooke and Peyton, their real selves. I wouldn't have known true love with Nathan. I probably wouldn't have recorded a song, played, lived my dream. Even if right now I'm not sure that was a good decision. But still, none of it would've happened without Nathan in my life.

So I face Karen once more, before tapping her knee gently and getting up. "I'll go talk to him, ok?"

She gives me half a smile and nods, and I walk towards Lucas' room. I open the door, letting myself in, and see him lying in bed, looking at the ceiling. I keep walking on his direction and lie down beside him. For a few minutes no words are spoken, just each other's presence seems like enough comfort for us.

"You were right… I could've stopped it…" It's not hard to realize how much it hurts him to admit it. And he's right. He _could_ have stopped it. So could Dan, and maybe even I could've. But placing blame won't change anything, won't bring him back, it'll only hurt everyone even more. When I keep in silence, he starts to worry and shifts his position so that he's facing me. But I'm still looking up. "Hales?"

"Yeah?" I answer, not moving.

For a while he doesn't say anything else, and then he lets out a sigh and goes back to his previous position. "Never mind"

More silence. God, why is this so hard? We've been best friends for the last 10 years, and now I can't even say the only words that can make him feel at least a little bit better. _It wasn't your fault._ I'm not trying to punish him, I don't want him to feel bad. I just can't bring myself to believe those words, let alone say them out loud. A part of me can't help but think everything could've been different if it wasn't for Lucas. That thought alone suddenly makes me cry, when I think of how selfish I'm being, to think those things about him. I cry, and as soon as he notices, he sits up and strokes my hair while I rest my head on his lap. It doesn't take long till I realize he's crying, too. I know exactly what's going through his mind. What if he'd told someone about what Nathan was getting himself into? What if he'd helped him lose the game? And it's not like I hadn't had some of these thoughts myself. That I should've seen it, I should've known something was wrong. My husband! We were living together, how could I not know? I guess those questions are always gonna be there, always bothering us. It's impossible not to think of it. All the possibilities, all the 'what ifs'

"I have to go", I suddenly get up and head to the door, making my way to the street. I let my tears run freely and pray that Lucas doesn't follow me.

"Haley! What are you doing? You can't just walk around town at this time of the night!"

I don't care. I need to get out, I need to be alone, away from everyone. I know they're just trying to help, and I love them for it, but it's too much for now.

"Lucas, please! I need to be alone", I beg him.

"You can be alone all you want. Tomorrow, when the sun is out and it's not dangerous for you"

"I just need to walk for a while. I won't take long. It's Tree Hill anyway, what could happen?"

"You're kidding me, right?" he actually smiles for a moment, and I think of the absurd of what I just said. _What could happen?_ In Tree Hill? Accidents, psycho stalkers, criminal fire, gun shots… you name it, we had it.

I lighten up long enough to return his smile, right before I'm serious again. "Lucas, please…" I look right at him, hoping he can understand it. He then comes near me and just takes his cell out of his pocket and puts it in my hand. "I'll be ok", I'm not so sure as I say the words, and I'm pretty sure I don't sound so convincing, either, but still he nods as I take the phone in my hands. Then I hug him and say it, quietly. "I love you, Luke". If I can't say it's not his fault, or that I don't blame him at all, at least that I can say, and truly mean it. He hugs me tighter.

"I love you too, Hales"

I look at him once more before turning and walking away. I walk, not even acknowledging where I'm headed, I just need to walk and clear my head. But then I can't help but remember. Basically everything. Each memory hurts even worse than the previous one. All of a sudden it starts to rain. Pouring rain. I think of him, and the moment he said the words, almost a prediction, right after Keith's death.

--------

They were having a picnic on the school field. Just the two of them, under the stars. Talking about their relationship, talking about everything they'd been through already. Haley still felt guilty about the tour. She didn't choose music over Nathan, and she certainly didn't choose Chris. At the moment, though, she felt like it was something she had to do. She needed to know what it was like, needed to follow her dream. But now, most of all, she needed him to understand that. And, for the first time, she felt like he really did. Like she was forgiven, for real.

"_I want you to know something", she said as he looked at her, "If anything ever happens to me. If you ever… if you ever lose me…"_

_She didn't like what she was hearing. Just hearing him say that, just the thought, it hurt her so much. But she knew where he was coming from. Death had come near them all, and they were all thinking, wondering, feeling it. "Nathan…" she tried to protest, but he went on. He needed to tell her, she had to know she made him happy. She always made him happy._

"_I want you to know how happy you made me. How wonderful my life was with you and I will always be with you"_

"_Nothing's going to happen to you"_

"_I know. I know you're right. But if it does, I just… I want you to be okay, Haley, and know that you made me happy"_

_--------_

It's like he knew it. _I want you to be okay, Haley._ How can I be okay? I've made so many mistakes with him. He forgave them, just like I forgave his mistakes. But still… so much time we've spent apart… if I had any idea… God, I never would've left his side. If only I knew it, I would've spent more time with him, fought less, I wouldn't have left. I'd give anything to have the chance to go back and change these things.

The rain gets thicker, but I can barely feel it. I'm shaking, I don't even know if I'm cold or if it's because of the crying. I don't think I can walk anymore, I feel weak. So I kneel on the sidewalk and let myself cry. Not much time has passed, and I don't think I can take it anymore. I try to get up, but almost fall back to the ground. But someone stops it from happening. When I feel someone helping me up, I get scared. I didn't even notice there was another person around. When I look up to see who it is, I'm not even sure I wanted to. But I'm too weak to argue. And when I look at her, she seems… different. Not bitchy, not mean. Just… sad.

"Come on, Haley, let's get you home", Rachel helps me up, and I reluctantly accept her help.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was at Bevin's… actually on my way back, when I heard about… well, you know. Haley, I know you think I'm a terrible person, and I never did anything to prove you wrong, but… I'm really sorry"

I arch my eyebrow, and don't really know what to think. I didn't expect her to be a bitch, but I also didn't expect her to be so upfront about everything. Sure, I don't like the girl, but what happened, it affects everyone, and, as much as I hate to admit it, that includes Rachel. So I nod at what she says, looking down.

"How about you? What are you doing, soaking in the rain?"

"I need to be alone"

"And whilst that's a great idea at times, you might wanna check the weather forecast before doing that again"

That actually gets me to let out a little laugh, and I see it makes Rachel smile. That's just too weird. It's like she's possessed or something, cause that's not the bitchy Rachel I know. I guess Brooke wasn't totally wrong about her, after all.

"Hey… my car's right over there", she points to it, and I'm surprised I didn't even hear it getting close, "I'll drive you home". I shake my head to that, cause just the thought of being home right now is almost unbearable, "…or wherever", she finishes it.

"Yeah… ok…" I start saying something, but then stop.

"What is it?"

"I was actually at your place for a while. I didn't wanna go home, and Brooke took me there. But then she went to see Peyton and I went to see Lucas… but… it's too hard being around him, and after everything I said, to Peyton, too, I guess", I'm babbling, and I'm aware of that.

"So I'll tell you what", she puts both her hands on my shoulders, "You go back to my place, take a nice warm shower before you catch a pneumonia, then you steal some of Brooke's clothes and decide what you wanna do next, how does that sound?"

"You know… it sounds perfect", she seems as surprised as I am when I agree to it right away. I don't know why, but it's so much easier to be around Rachel than anyone else. Maybe cause she doesn't know me as well as Lucas, or Karen, or even Brooke. They all wanna help, but it can be suffocating at times. So it's actually a good thing that we're not close enough – or at all – for her to ask me how I'm doing or if I wanna talk about it. Not that I think she would. Something tells me she's not really good at this whole shoulder to cry on thing. We walk to her car, and as I sit down I remember Lucas' cell phone, that he handed me, so I call him to let him know I'm ok. I hadn't noticed how long it'd been since I left his house.

"Hey… Luke"

"Haley, everything ok? You're not out in the rain, are you?"

"No, well, not anymore. I'm with Rachel", I can almost see the look on his face as I say that.

"Rachel", he states.

"Yeah… I'm going back to her place, so I'll see you tomorrow, ok?"

"Wait, Haley…" he's confused. Of course he's confused. This whole mess is clouding all my judgment and good sense, it's the only explanation. But still, I don't wanna stop to think about it.

"Luke… I just need some time"

I hear him sighing before speaking again. "Ok… take care, Hales"

"You too", I say quickly, before hanging up.

Rachel looks at me a little confused. "Ok, what the hell was that? Correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't the guy your best friend?" I give her my best 'don't even go there' look and she raises her hand in defeat, "Fine, I was just asking". But it doesn't take too long till she starts talking again. "I don't get you people, though. You and Lucas, Brooke and Peyton… You fight, and then you act like it doesn't bother you, when it's showing in your faces! And you've known each other for like 10 years and keep acting as though you can hide these things and pretend you don't care, or you're not angry, when obviously…"

"Rachel!" God, what's gotten into this girl today? She looks at me as if she just remembered I'm standing beside her.

"Oh, sorry… I'm just saying some people would do anything to have that, and you all have it and it's like you look for reasons to wreck it. Don't take it for granted, Haley"

I look at her and she's totally serious now, and seems even a little worried. And, when I really pay attention, I notice the hint of sadness in her voice when she says some people would do anything to have that.

"I don't. I mean, I don't want to. But it's complicated"

"It usually is", she shrugs, "But we always find a way to make it even worse, don't we?"

I laugh a little and have to nod, agreeing with her.

"Okay then, good thing we agree on that. Now let's go home, before morning comes and you haven't rested yet", she then turns the key on the ignition and we drive to her house.

We don't say much till we're inside. After Rachel lends me some towels and I borrow Brooke's clothes, I go to the shower. And I'm numb. No more tears, I'm not even cold. I can't feel a thing. And that's almost a relief. It doesn't take long till I finish, and slowly leave the bathroom, surprised to see one of the beds all ready, and Rachel sitting on the other one.

"I can sleep in another room, I mean, if you wanna be alone", her voice is quiet, a little unsure, and I quickly shake my head.

"It's your house, Rachel. Your room"

"Haley…" she gets up to sit beside me on Brooke's bed. "I'm really sorry, you know, about everything. You didn't deserve it. Especially being pregnant…" she says, moving her hands nervously.

"It doesn't even matter anymore"

"Yes, it does. Well, at least to me, it does. I just saw it now, life's way too short, and maybe it's time for me to change some things. Fix some mistakes. And I'm not trying to make this about me, but I do wanna help, so…" she reaches out her hand for me to shake it, "what do you say? Willing to give me a second chance?"

I look at her for a moment, till her smile fades and she gets up. "Just get some rest, ok?"

"Rachel, wait", I get up and go to her. And, before I realize it, I give her a quick hug. It's awkward, though. "Thanks. And… you should sleep in your bed. I think I can stand to be around you for a few hours. Especially if you're asleep and quiet"

"Oh, very funny", we both laugh, and she goes to her bed. "Just yell if you need anything, ok?" she turns off the light and I finally relax. It's not ok, it's not right, nothing is. But if I can rest my eyes for half an hour, it's already good enough for now.

**_"As we move through the bargaining process, the mind alters past events while exploring all those 'what if' and 'if only' statements. Sadly, the mind inevitably comes to the same conclusion... the tragic reality that out loved one is really gone."_**


	5. Depression

_Once again, thanks everyone who reviewed! The story's almost over, next chapter's the last one. This one and the next are pretty big, though. Let me know what you think!_

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Chapter 4 – Depression

"_**If you find a way to get through your daily activities, each of them seems as empty and pointless as the last one. **__**Why eat? Or why stop eating? You don't care enough to care. If you did, it might scare you, so you don't wanna care about anything."**_

Peyton's POV:

I had no idea it could still hurt this much. I mean, death, losing someone. Shouldn't we be immune to the loss, after it affects us for the first time? Doesn't make much sense, I know. But after everything that's already been through my mind, this seems like the least crazy idea. It should be like chickenpox! Once you get it, you won't have to go through it again. I told Lucas I needed to be alone, but I wasn't sure I meant it. I was a little disappointed when he didn't even try to convince me otherwise. Guys can be so clueless! And as soon as he left, I went to my room and just stood there, for the longest time. I don't think I have anymore tears left to cry, so I just sat in my bed. I tried eating something, but I found it's too hard to get up and go to the kitchen. Or to do anything else. I tried blocking it all out, pretending it didn't happen, but those things don't last too long. And pretty soon I hated him. I hated him for getting himself into that situation, hated him for leaving Haley alone and pregnant. So I saw his picture, and ripped it apart. I hated him for not losing the game. So I threw a lamp and watched it smash against the wall. I hated him. God, I just hated him, and everything that could remind me of him. By the time I stopped smashing almost everything in my room, the anger had faded, but what was left was much worse. It was nothing. A big nothing. And that emptiness was too familiar for me. I tried calling my dad, but I couldn't reach him. I thought of calling Lucas, but soon realized he's not the one who can understand all of this. He's not the person who was there, by my side, when I lost someone before. I hesitated a little before picking up the phone and calling Brooke. She didn't seem too happy with me when she left the hospital. And even though she's at least talking to me now, things are just different. Would she even come if I asked her to? For the longest time I thought it was all gone, but today… I could see it in her eyes. Maybe she still cares. I wanna believe she does, even if it's just a little. She's always been the one I could run to, I just wasn't sure if that was still there. So I called, and I was relieved when she said she was coming. Only she's here, now, and I still haven't said a word.

I'm crying, again. A silent, quiet cry. Just trying to deal, trying to understand why this happened, and how Nathan can just not be here anymore.

"Peyton", Brooke kneels in front of me and shakes my arm softly so that I'd look at her, but I don't, I just cry. She finally sits by my side and puts her arm around me, like she's done so many times before. I hate to be like this, not to be able to be the strong one. But then again, that's how it's always been, I guess. I need Brooke way more than she needs me, and that thought scares me. She's strong enough for the both of us, I mean, she was just fine since we stopped talking, wasn't she? And I was a complete mess. Lucas was great, he was there for me like never before, and I love him for it. And the moment we kissed after the game, the moment I'd been waiting for for so long, I loved him even more. Once again, he saved me. He pulled me away from the huge abyss I was about to fall in. But there's a huge difference between talking to a boyfriend and talking to a best friend. And in my life it seems like it's always gotta be one or the other. I'm tired of feeling like I have to choose. I don't want to, anymore. I need Lucas in my life, yeah, but he doesn't know me like Brooke does, no one knows me better. I see it now, and no boyfriend, or anyone else for that matter can change that.

My thoughts slowly drift back to Nathan. It's weird how I keep trying to think of anyone or anything other than him. Even the whole mess with Lucas and Brooke seems better than this reality. But I can't help it. It always comes back to this. I slowly lift my head up to finally meet Brooke's eyes, and immediately remember her leaving the hospital with Haley. I feel a little guilty for calling her while she was with the person who needs everyone's help the most.

"Where's Haley?" I ask, surprising her.

"I left her at Lucas before coming here. Guess she needed her best friend", I can see a small smile form on her face, but I can't tell if it's a sad one. "And so did I", she adds, letting a few tears fall as I look at her in complete surprise, before pulling her into a hug. And then she lets herself cry for real, I'm guessing for the first time, since she was with Haley all along and had to keep strong. "God, she's so broken, Peyton. And I'm too scared to think about how I'm feeling, cause it's so many things…" she finally starts talking about her own feelings. Which is a rare thing. It hurts so much, but it's the only way to start dealing with it: letting everything out. And having someone who'll listen, just listen and be there. "Remember when we were 14, and the two of us were all excited about finally starting high school the next year? And then he'd look at us and give us that big brother look and go like…"

"Those high school boys better not mess with any of you", we both finish the sentence together, imitating the way his voice sounded back then and allowing ourselves to just laugh at the memory. "I know he lost his way a little after that, but then Haley came and…"

"And he found his way back", I quietly complete her sentence.

She nods. "I was so proud of him for that. But I never really told him", her voice starts to break as a new flow of tears comes to her eyes, "I was always thinking someday the three of us should get together and just… just be like we used to be, you know?"

"I know, I know", I say, softly, holding her close as she cries. Seeing her like this… I know she's never suffered a loss like that in her life, and you would think I'd know what to do or say, considering I've been through it twice before. But that's the thing. I know there's nothing to say, cause nothing can make it better. At least not now, it's too soon. I keep wiping her tears, but they keep coming. And I know I need to take care of her for now, and forget my own pain for a while. We barely move for the longest time, the room fills with the sounds of her weak sobs. I start to get worried when she starts shaking, and take her trembling hands on my own.

"Brooke, try to calm down, ok? Just… look at me", her eyes slowly lift to meet mine. "He knows you were proud, he knows you loved him. It's hard now, and it will be for a while. But eventually it gets better. I promise you it gets better"

"So… what am I supposed to do in the meantime?"

"In the meantime, we'll help each other. You, me, Haley, Lucas… and Mouth, Skills, Karen. We're gonna get through this, and we're gonna make sure they do, too" I squeeze her hand and quickly wipe a few tears from my own eyes.

"How? I'm barely hanging on as it is, you have no idea, when I was with Haley, how hard it was, and seeing her that way… I can't be that strong"

"You don't have to be. Not all the time. I can be strong for the both of us, from time to time, if you need a break. You've done it for me so many times, let me do this for you now"

"Okay", she says, nodding, and hugs me again. "I'm sorry, I came cause you asked me to, cause you needed me, and you're the one keeping me strong"

"We'll keep each other strong, B. Davis." She smiles as she hears my nickname for her, and lets out a huge yawn. "Tired?" I ask, resting my head on her shoulder, still holding her hand.

She nods. "You have no idea".

"Come on", I get up, and pull her up, too, and we both lie down in my bed, facing each other.

"I'm scared about tomorrow". I know what she means. The funeral. The hours following Nathan's death have been awful, but the funeral, that's the worst. The final goodbye, the earth being thrown over the casket, the meaningless words people will say, knowing they won't help, but still, trying to. At least Karen and Dan took care of everything, cause there's no way Haley could deal with this now.

"It's gonna be over before you know it", I assure her. That part's true. The funeral is almost a blur for me. The funeral, the condolences. It goes by pretty quickly. It goes by pretty quickly. Probably cause no one can possibly keep it together for too long. The longer it takes, the harder it is for everyone". I'm scared of what's gonna be like after it, actually"

"Yeah, that, too"

"Try to get some rest, ok?" I stroke her hair, and it doesn't take long till she's sound asleep. After making sure she's ok, I finally close my eyes, too. It's not exactly a peaceful sleep, but at least I'm resting.

"_**Morning comes, but you don't care. A voice in your head says it's time to get out of bed, but you have no desire to do so. You may not even have a reason. Life feels pointless. To get out of bed may as well be climbing a mountain. You feel heavy, and being upright takes something from you that you just don't have to give."**_

I open my eyes for the hundredth time. Only this time I notice it's morning already. And, in about two hours, we'll have to go to the funeral. I barely slept through the night, waking up every 15 or 20 minutes cause of a nightmare. Or cause Brooke had just woken up from one. But I'm pretty sure any nightmare we may have had seems better than facing what's to come next, so even though I know I should be getting out of bed and start getting ready, I just can't. I turn my head to the side and see Brooke's awake, with that distant stare. She barely notices I'm up, too, till I finally manage to say something.

"Been awake for long?"

"Yeah", her voice is still distant, "couldn't sleep after the last nightmare"

"But that was like an hour ago"

"I know", she says, simply, then looks at the time and closes her eyes, sighing hard. "I don't think I can do this, Peyton"

I face her and try to think of something. If Brooke's saying something like that, then things are really, _really_ bad for her. When I was younger I used to think Nathan and Brooke were unbreakable. Cause no matter what shit happened, they were always able to brush it off like it was nothing. I could never do that, so when I was the one dealing with something, the two of them would do anything to get me to smile and cheer up. Even if it meant making complete fools of themselves. It didn't matter to them, it never did. And then I saw Brooke cry for the first time, for something her parents did, of course. And I didn't know what to do. So we talked, for the longest time, and it seemed to have worked. But still, the worst I've ever seen her in, it's nothing compared to this, now. So I feel like we're 12 again. Only this time talking won't help. I finally get out of bed and walk out of bed. Brooke doesn't move.

"I'll get us something to eat, ok?"

"I'm not hungry"

"Me neither, but that doesn't really matter. We have to eat something", I leave the room and go to the kitchen. It's like I'm on automatic mode now. It's the only way to get through this day, the only way I'll be able to keep strong for once. A single tear threatens to fall as I grab some food, but I don't let it. I _can't_ let it.

I go back to the room to find her crying again. I put the food on my side of the bed and sit by hers, taking her hand. "I know you can do this, Brooke. I'm not asking you to be strong for everyone, it's ok if you can't be. It's ok"

To that, she shakes her head, quickly. "No, it's not", she lifts her head up to look at me, "Nathan would want me to be strong. Like we used to be. You remember?"

I actually smile at the thought. "Of course I remember. I always knew I could get through anything, cause you two were there to make sure of that", I stop for a moment, and go on, "You two made me strong. You still do. You made me strong enough so I can be the one to keep you from falling now. I'm not gonna let you fall, Brooke. I promise", my voice breaks, but I'm still able to stop more tears from coming. She sits up and hugs me, and I can hear her cry slowly subside as I move my hand up and down her back.

I convince her to eat something, but none of us can actually eat much more than a bite of food. We take a long time getting ready, longer than necessary, both trying to postpone the moment we'd actually have to go. But we can't do that anymore. We both stand in the room, facing each other, till I finally ask. "Ready?"

"No", she replies, before grabbing my car keys and putting them on my hand, "Let's just go"

The day is dark, the sun can barely be seen behind the thick clouds. I park the car at the cemetery, a bit earlier than all the guests are supposed to get here. We thought Haley could use the support right now. But, as we get to the entrance, we only see Karen, Dan and Lucas. I hug Lucas and kiss him, before greeting Karen and Dan, too. I see Brooke going to Lucas.

"Hey… so… where's Haley? Did you two talk?"

"Kinda… I guess she still blames me, though. I mean, she didn't say it, but she couldn't even stay near me for too long", he says it, and I reach my hand to hold his, to support him.

"Is she ok?" I ask, quietly.

"Actually, she didn't stay at my place for long. And then she called me and said she was with…"

Before he can finish his sentence, we see Rachel coming in our direction, along with… Haley? Nah, that can't be it, it must be the lack of sleep that's playing tricks on my mind.

"…said she was with Rachel", Lucas finishes, and Brooke and I look at each other in disbelief.

The girls get closer to us, Haley immediately going to Brooke and hugging her. Brooke closes her eyes and I can almost feel how hard she's trying not to start crying again. Haley then goes to Lucas and hugs him, too, but quickly, then Karen, and says hi to Dan before stopping in front of me. We both just look down for a while.

"You could've gone to my house, you know? You shouldn't have to endure Rachel for a whole night", I say it quietly so that no one else hears it, and we both let out a little laugh.

"I didn't think you'd want to see me, after… well…" she plays with her fingers nervously, not facing me.

"Haley…" my voice is soft as I try to get her to look at me.

"I'm sorry", she interrupts me, "You're probably the one person here, other than Karen, who knows exactly what it's like, but I was nervous and I…"

At this point I'm the one who interrupts her to give her a long hug. "You don't have to apologize. No one does. We were tired, and… well, we still are, but… it's okay to be angry, it's ok. But just for the record, I'm sorry, too." I keep hugging her and see Brooke and Rachel talking. "So… was Rachel actually nice to you?"

"Surprisingly… yeah, she was"

"I can see… she even let you borrow Brooke's clothes."

"Yeah, that, too", she bites her bottom lip, "You think she'll mind?"

"Not even a little bit", I assure her.

We look ahead to see Mouth, Skills and Junk coming. Haley and Lucas go to them. They hug Haley protectively, and don't even have to say anything. They grew up together, and it shows, in the way their mere presence seems to calm her down. I smile as I see them, Brooke and Rachel joining me.

"It's not fair", Brooke whispers.

It's not like we're still divided in two groups now, but sometimes, in some ways, there's still that separation. They know each other better than we know them. It was the same with the three of us. And even seeing everyone here, all of us helping each other, sometimes there's still this feeling that now it's just me and Brooke. Cause once upon a time it was the three of us. Inseparable. The service starts as more and more people come. I see Tim, the other guys of the team, the girls of the squad, the teachers, some other students. But I still can't look at the coffin, his… body there. But I have to say goodbye. I'm walking closer to it when a bunch of people approach us. I look at them, surprised to see them there. Haley's family. At least a big part of it. But I only recognize her parents and Taylor. There's still another girl and a guy, more siblings, I suppose. She runs to them and falls on her parents' arms, sobbing. They circle her, supporting her, giving her the strength she needs so much right now. I swallow hard before finally finding the courage to see him. And when I do, I almost breakdown completely. It's surreal, this can't be it. I reach out my hand to touch his face, or hold his hand one last time. He looks peaceful, like he's asleep. I keep looking at him and suddenly feel at peace, too. Like things can be ok, like they _will_ be ok. I almost expect to see him breathing, expect him to open his eyes, just like I did 10 years ago, when I saw my mom this way.

"Hey Nate", I finally say it, letting a few tears fall and brushing his hair with my fingers, "We're all gonna miss you, you know? Do you have any idea how much all these people here love you? How much _I_ love you? How much Brooke, Lucas, everyone…" I stop for a moment and take a deep breath, "I've always told you how proud I am of you, but they didn't. And right now, they need you to know that they feel the same way, ok? So they can stop blaming themselves… and each other, too. Cause I know right now we can't afford to be apart. I also want you to know we're gonna take care of Haley, and your son. We're gonna make sure they're not alone, never. I promise you that, ok?"

I close my eyes, and it's a weird feeling. Seeing him there, I thought it was gonna be the worst thing, but it's the opposite. It's like he's there, giving me the strength I needed so much. I swallow hard, taking a little time before I manage to say the words I was dreading so much. "So I guess this is it, huh? I'll never forget you, Nathan", I close my eyes and finally say the word, "Goodbye"

I leave his side, and look at him one last time. I slowly walk away, not paying attention to anyone around me, and suddenly find myself in front of my mom's grave. I just sit there, staring at her name, silently talking to her. It always helps.

"We heard you talking to him", I lift my head up to meet Lucas' eyes, and see Brooke and Haley right behind him. I get up and he holds me, kissing my forehead as I rest my head on his chest. "Thank you", he says. I can only nod and stay there, quietly in his arms, enjoying the comfort before letting go and turning to the girls.

"You're ok there, P. Sawyer?"

"Yeah… yeah, I am. How about you two?"

Brooke shrugs. "Well, you know…"

Haley remains quiet, not facing us. "Haley?" I touch her arm softly, making her look at me with teary eyes.

"They asked me to go with them", she says, obviously referring to her parents, "And I'm going"

"WHAT?" the three of us ask at the same time, Lucas soon standing in front of her in disbelief.

"Hales… what… what?"

"Luke, I have to, ok? I can't even go back to my apartment, I… it's too hard. Plus, they can help me with the baby, and…" she stops for a moment, refusing to look us in the eye. "I'm sorry"

"You can't be serious", Lucas goes on, "We just lost Nathan, now you're telling us we're losing you, too?" I can tell how upset he is, but he tries to maintain a soft tone as he talks to her.

Brooke and I can only watch as the scene unfolds, both of us still too shocked with Haley's sudden decision to even know what to think. "Look, Haley", I start talking, carefully walking near her and taking her hands, "I know how hard it is, but trust me on this one. Running away won't make it any better. Distance can't help you, only time can. Wherever you go, this pain, it'll follow you. And you have so many people here who love you, who will be with you every step of the way… and you can totally include me on that list…"

"And me", Lucas says.

"And me", Brooke's weak voice can also be heard, as I turn my attention back to Haley.

"See? And there's Karen, Mouth, Skills, and so many other people…" I plead, begging that she reconsiders it. If I knew she was doing this cause she wanted to be around her parents, I wouldn't try to dissuade her. However, the only reason she's doing this is because she's scared, and she's hiding. She thinks getting away will help, but it won't. God knows I've tried.

"I'm sorry… I hope… I hope you can forgive me for that."

With that, she turns and runs back to where the service is being held, while the three of us watch in silence. I go to Lucas, but he shakes his head and walks away before I can say anything.

"Give him some time, he'll just shut you out of you try to talk to him now", Brooke whispers, knowingly. I turn back to face her and nod. "Come on, we should go back…" her voice seems hollow.

"Brooke…" I barely say the words and see tears rolling down her cheek.

"I don't want her to go away, Peyton", she starts to break again, and I rush to hug her, "I can't lose anyone else"

"I know… but we can't make her stay if she doesn't want to"

"She wants to stay, I know she does. Her parents don't know her half as well as we do. They weren't there on their second wedding, they weren't there, holding her hand, when she found out she was pregnant, or when she had to go to the hospital yesterday… how can she possibly choose them over us?" she says angrily, but I can tell she's just hurt.

"It's not about choosing, Brooke, you know that. She's just trying to deal"

"And how are _we _supposed to deal?" she asks, broken.

"Well, is you really love her… you gotta let her go", I say, trying to convince myself this is actually the right thing to do.

We slowly walk back to where everyone else is as the burial itself begins. Lucas is nowhere to be found, but I can't leave to look for him, not now. The priest says some meaningless words I'm pretty sure no one's listening, about how we shouldn't cry, but rejoice for the fact that he's in a better place now. I always thought that was crap. What, do they expect us to celebrate that he's not here anymore? Right now, this soon, all we care about is that we lost someone we loved, and those words don't make _anything_ better. Brooke leans her head over my shoulder and I stroke her hair. I look at Haley and see Taylor holding her sister's hand, as the rest of the family stands behind them. Haley seems lost. She finally takes a bit of earth on her hands, like Dan and Lucas – whom I found right beside Haley's mom a while ago – had done before her. The earth slips through her fingers and fall over the coffin. Lucas and Haley don't even look at us. The one moment we need each other the most, it seems we couldn't be more distant if we tried.

"_**No matter what our surroundings may hold, we feel alone.**__** That's what hitting the bottom feels like. You wonder if you'll ever feel anything again or if this is what life will be like forever…"**_


	6. Acceptance

_Here's the last chapter! Thank you so much for everyone who's been reviewing, and who sticked with the story! Hopefully you'll like the ending. Please let me know what you thought of it, ok?_

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Chapter 5 – Acceptance 

"_**Acceptance is often confused with the notion or being okay or all right with what's happened. **__**That is not the case. Most people don't ever feel okay or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like it or make it ok, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it."**_

Haley's POV:

As I walk through Dan and Deb's house, I can hear people talking about him. About a specific memory they have of him, of when he was a kid, or something he used to say, or his love for basketball. Sometimes a funny memory comes up, and they laugh. A loud, real laugh, and I just feel like screaming at them when they do. They can't laugh. How can they just talk about it, and eat, and drink, when he's gone? I know I can't. I'm not hungry, not even tired right now. If I had to describe one single feeling at this moment, it'd be sadness. I'm sad he's gone, I'm sad that I'm leaving, too, sad that right now I can't even be around the people I love the most, cause I feel guilty about leaving them. Do I prefer staying with my parents than staying with them? No, I don't. But I'd rather be anywhere else other than in Tree Hill. It's the place, everywhere I go, a different memory. I'm trying to just be practical, and not to think about it so much. And it's not like I'm never coming back. Maybe I will, I don't know.

I see my parents sitting on a couch across the room, they look back at me and I don't know how to act, so they give me a sad smile. I have good parents, I do. Even Vivian and Taylor and Eric somehow managed to come, and I love them for it. But truth is we've barely spoken two words to each other. It's like we're strangers. And, except for Taylor, to whom I actually talk every once in a while, I don't know them. I go to the living room and see his picture. I'm not mad at him for leaving anymore, I'm not angry, I just… miss him.

_In this world you tried  
__Not leaving me alone, behind  
__There's no other way  
__I pray to the gods, let him stay  
__The memories ease the pain inside  
__Now I know why_

Suddenly I understand it better. Why people need to keep talking about him, holding onto their memories of him. It helps them keep him alive somehow, and maybe it can make them feel a little bit better about it.

"So… parents tell me you'll go live with them", I hear Taylor's voice behind me, but don't bother turning around. She's probably just trying to make small talk. "What's that about?"

That last part convinces me she's actually got something on her mind, so I turn around, arching my eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

"What I mean is… look around. Look at all these people. Lucas, Karen, the guys from the Rivercourt you used to spend all your time with. Even those two", she points at Brooke and Peyton, "who, by the way, _I_ used to hang out with from time to time on my cheerleading days, and aren't really like you or people you'd be friends with, but whatever…"

"Taylor? You have a point?" I ask, actually having fun with how she's babbling. Kinda like I babble. Scary.

"My point is… unlike the rest of us, you obviously belong here, Hay. You remember when you were little, what you used to say to Karen about us?"

"I come from a big family. I think you guys need me more", I repeat what I used to say, in a quiet, low voice, "How about what I need, Tay?"

She smiles honestly and cups my face with both her hands. "You already know the answer to that one, little sis. Look, mom and dad are living really close to my place now, and, as weird as that may sound, it's pretty cool to have them around. And I would _love_ to have my baby sis and my nephew always close. But if you're only doing this to run away, then don't. I still know you, more than you give me credit for."

"You sound like Peyton", I mumble.

"Well, then she must know you pretty well, too"

I sigh and close my eyes, letting a single tear fall. I'm confused as hell. At some moments it seems so right to just go and leave it all behind. But then I think about it some more and nothing is that obvious anymore. Taylor softly wipes the tear from my face and pulls me into a hug as she whispers the same words she said to me last year, "You'll do the right thing, Haley-Bub. You always do"

"No, I don't. I've made too many mistakes already, and I can't afford to make more", I say as I start to cry harder, "Tell me what to do, Taylor, please, just… tell me what to do"

"You know I'm a terrible person to ask for advice. But you can trust me on this one. Stay"

"Stay?" I pull away and look in her eyes.

"Stay", she says, surely. But I'm not so sure myself, "Just… at least give it some thought, ok? Whatever you decide, I got your back", she winks and hugs me again before turning away, leaving me alone to think. Doesn't take too long till Lucas comes to talk to me.

"Hey…" he starts, carefully.

"Luke… you're not gonna try and talk me out of it, too, are you?" I close my eyes. I'm tired, I'm not sure of anything anymore, and, honestly, I'm sick of having to think about it.

"No, I'm not", that actually surprises me a little, "I know exactly what it's like, and I can understand why you feel like you have to do this. I don't like the idea, and I don't want you to go, but if you think this is the right thing, and if its gonna help you, then I won't try to talk you out of it"

I can only smile as he looks at me the way only someone who's known you your entire life can. Then I let out a sigh of relief I didn't even know I was holding and hug him. With no more awkwardness, no more pain or guilt, it's like it all vanishes, and he's back to being just my best friend again.

_Made me promise I'd try  
__To find my way back in this life  
__I hope there is a way  
__To give me a sign you're ok  
__Reminds me again it's worth it all  
__So I can go home_

At this moment I feel something strange. And it seems that Lucas felt it, too, cause he immediately pulls away and looks at me amazed.

"Was that…? Oh my god, Haley, was that my nephew?" he asks, laughing, and I can't help but laugh, too, while placing my hands on my stomach. My baby kicked for the first time. It's the most amazing feeling in the world.

"Yes, that's him", I smile as I take his hand and place it over mine, right about the time the baby kicks again.

I look around the room looking for my baby's aunts. I can see my parents, some people from school, then I finally spot them, talking to each other. I grab Lucas' hand and run, dragging him along.

"Whoa, Haley, everything ok?" Brooke looks at me, worried, I can only shake my head, excited.

"No… I mean, yeah, it's ok. The baby… he just kicked!"

Brooke and Peyton squeal and jump happily, causing some of the people around us to look. "When did he…? I mean, since when?" Peyton asks.

"Right now, he just kicked for the first time! I was talking to Lucas, and… he did it . Here, he's on a roll, you can probably feel it", and then I grab both girls' hands and we all wait. A moment later we feel it again. They gasp and look at each other, and I feel my eyes start to tear again. Only this time I'm not sure why. It's weird, I'm feeling so happy and so sad at the same time. Our son kicking, this day of all days, it's like Nathan's way of telling me he's still near, and he'll always be.

"Honey, everything ok?" I see my mom coming near me, a worried expression on her face, "We saw all the commotion here, what's going on?"

"The baby, he started kicking", Lucas answers, still close to my belly, hoping he'll do it again.

My mom then smiles at me, but I think I can see a hint of sadness there. Lucas, Brooke and Peyton suddenly seem to notice their hands are still on my stomach, so they quickly take them away, looking a little embarrassed, which actually amuses me. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" she asks. Everyone else seems to take the hint and go somewhere else. I don't miss the look on their faces as they do, though. Their look of sadness, knowing we won't be able to share these moments again when I leave. I look at them, and back to my parents and siblings, and I don't feel the need to run anymore.

"So, he kicked?" my dad looks at me, smiling happily.

"Yeah, just now", I say as he puts his hand on my belly, along with my mom. So that'd make him like the tenth person who touched my belly today. Only this time the little guy doesn't move. After a while they just give up. "Hey, what's wrong, little guy? Uncle Lucas and your crazy aunts worn you out, did they? Whoa!" I jump one more time. I gotta get used to the feeling of this little dude running around inside of me. "Huh, not so tired, I see. Are you just shy around grandma and grandpa?" I keep talking to him, sweetly, closing my eyes, needing desperately to feel this baby in me. Our baby. Mine and Nathan's. Cause, as long as he's here, Nathan will be, too.

_All of my memories keep you near  
__In silent moments, imagine you'd be here  
__All of my memories keep you near  
__Your silent whispers, silent tears_

"Sweetie… don't you think maybe this little boy's trying to tell you something?" my mom sighs, and I know exactly what she means. And it's not just the fact that my unborn baby seems to be more comfortable around Lucas, Brooke and Peyton than around my parents, but I guess I am, too. "Honey, this amazing thing happened just now, we were all here, and who were the first people you ran to? The ones you chose to share this with?"

I avoid looking her in the eyes, but, when I finally do, I don't see disappointment or sadness, just understanding. The first people I looked for were my baby's aunts. And I didn't even realize that his real aunts, Taylor and Vivian, were also here. In my mind it's always been Peyton and Brooke, and putting the blood relation thing aside… they really are. Along with Lucas, they were the ones who were always there, who took care of me when I needed, who know me better than anyone. They're my family. I love my parents, I love my siblings, too, and I miss them. But I can get by when they're away, at least I always could, before. Eric, Vivian, Taylor… I love them, I really do. But Lucas, Brooke and Peyton… I don't just _love_ them, I also _need_ them. Actually, I think the only reason I managed to survive these last hours was because of them. "I'm sorry, mom", I say it, quietly.

She just smiles and caresses my cheek, softly. "It's ok, Haley, it really is. When we left, and, hell, even before that, they always took such good care of you… I know you'll be ok. And you have to know you can always come to us. We're not always close, but we will be, whenever you need us"

I suppose it's not easy for a parent to admit they're not the first people their kids will run to when something's wrong, or that they'd rather stay than go with them. But they understand it, and I know they trust me to make the right decision. They always have.

"Thank you", I hug both of them, and I feel a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. And at that moment I know staying is the right decision. I go to my siblings, looking directly at Taylor. "You were right". She smiles and all three of them hug me.

"Look, I was just talking to these two", Vivian starts, pointing at the other two beside us, "And we were thinking that, if you want to, of course, maybe we can come up with a system to come and help you after our nephew's born, so that each of us can stay with you for a while. Well, at least Eric and I, you're not gonna let Tay with the baby, obviously", she says it with the most serious voice she can, and laughs as she sees the look on our sister's face.

"You know… Tay can surprise us sometimes", I say as I smile at her.

"Oh, you're hopeless, you always defended her anyway", Vivian shrugs dismissively, as we all laugh. It's good to have them here, together, with no fights, for once.

"And I'd love for you guys to help me out, thanks. I'm gonna need all the help I can get, god knows I can't do this alone", my voice gets sad again, and I look down.

"You won't", Vivian touches my chin and makes me look back up at them. I wipe some tears away and nod. She's on full big sister mode, so she hugs me tight, with her hand on the back of my head as I cry softly.

A few hours pass by, people coming and going, talking to me every once in a while, but it's all a blur. I'm tired, exhausted, really. So I quietly go to a room and lay down on the bed, just looking up, trying to silence all the voices and noises outside and just find peace, somehow. Then I hear a knock on the door, followed by the sound of it opening, and I see my sisters' heads.

"Most people left already, and the house is pretty much all cleaned up", Taylor says as they sit by the end of the bed, "So we're going…" she hesitates a little before saying the last part. I look at them in surprise, I thought they were gonna stay a little longer.

"Honey, we can stay a little more if you…" Vivian starts, but I cut her off, sitting up and holding my legs against my chest.

"I know", I smile softly, "But you have your lives, your jobs, Viv, you have your kids, so does Eric. Plus, I'll have to face it someday, right? Might as well be sooner than later. I just have to…" I let out a heavy sigh and close my eyes, "I just have to go on"

There's silence for a moment, till Vivian talks again, "You have any idea how proud we are of you? Mom, dad, us. Sometimes we still think of you as the fragile baby sister, but you're not. You're so much more than that"

"Most of the time you're a lot more mature and responsible than we are", Taylor adds.

"Speak for yourself", Vivian mumbles, causing us to laugh for a brief moment, before she puts an arm around Taylor's shoulders and I just look at the two of them, wishing they didn't have to go so soon. I'm about to say something when someone knocks on the door again, and I see Peyton and Brooke.

"Oh, sorry, didn't know you guys were here", Peyton says, referring to my sisters and greeting them with a wave, and turned back to me, "We were just worried when we couldn't find you."

"I just needed some time", I reply, weakly.

"It's ok, everyone else's gone already", Brooke says.

"There you girls are!" dad comes into the room, quickly followed by mom, Eric, Karen and Lucas. "We should be going if we wanna make it home in a reasonable hour"

Taylor and Vivian nod as I jump to hug them goodbye, surprising everyone. "Thanks", I whisper to them once again. In response, they hug me tighter before we get out of bed, Taylor's arms still wrapped around my shoulder.

I say goodbye to Eric, then mom and dad. When they're leaving the room, and saying goodbye to everyone else, Taylor goes to Peyton and Brooke, "Take good care of my little sis, would you?"

"You don't have to worry about that", Brooke reassures her while pulling me closer to them.

"I know I don't", she smiles and winks at them, then leaves the room.

"I'm glad you decided to stay", Brooke gives me a side hug, "You wanna spend the night at my place again?" she offers, but after giving it some thought, I shake my head.

"I think I'm ready to go home", I smile softly as I say the words.

Of course, when I said I was ready to go home I didn't mean alone. Luckily, they understand that. I don't think anyone feels like being alone. So when Brooke offers to go with me, Lucas immediately invites Peyton to spend the night at his place. She hesitates a little, looking at Brooke, but she smiles, showing it's ok.

"Call us if you need anything, ok?" Peyton says as she hugs me, then hugs Brooke, too, "You two, B. Davis. Anything"

"Thanks", Brooke replies quietly.

Karen hugs me, softly stroking my hair. She doesn't say anything, just kisses me on the forehead. Words are not needed. Then Lucas and I stand face to face.

"Luke…" I start, uneasily, "I said some things over the last hours, and…"

"It's ok. You don't have to justify yourself or anything. You weren't wrong, anyway", he looks down.

"Lucas, please, look at me", when he does, the words come easily this time, "It wasn't your fault"

Those few words, and the honesty behind them, have an amazing effect on him, and on me, too. And we can almost see the wall that'd formed between us yesterday break down completely. He lets one single tear fall and hugs me. As we walk down the stairs, we see Dan sitting on the couch. He didn't talk to anyone since we got to the house, in fact, he barely moved. I never like Dan, but it's not easy to see him like this. Karen goes to him, putting her hand on his back.

"I'm being punished for what I did… I'm being punished"

"Dan… it wasn't your fault. Nobody blames you for what this guy did", Karen tries to get through to him.

"You don't understand!" he says, frustrated, gets up and walks away, leaving us all surprised.

"What exactly just happened here?" Lucas turns to Karen.

"I don't think he should be alone… I'll stay here a little longer, I'll see you later, ok?"

He nods, but doesn't look too happy about it. We leave the house, say goodbye once again and Brooke and I walk to her car. "Are you sure?" it's all she asks. I just nod and she starts driving. Of course I'm scared, more like terrified, actually. Of the pictures, and the memories, of everything. I'm even scared of moving on, of laughing again, having fun. Cause it doesn't seem fair. I take a deep breath as we stop in front of the apartment. Brooke gets out and helps me out, too. And, not too long after that, I'm standing on my front door, trying to gather up enough courage to open it. I can't describe what I feel when I finally do. Seems like I haven't been here in ages. As I walk across the room and see every detail, I can see him everywhere. But, strangely enough, it's not sad, it's comforting, it's like he's still here. But then I walk into our room and see his sweater thrown over the bed, causing a lump to form on my throat. I slowly reach for it and hold it, not able to let go. That's the time our baby boy chooses to let himself be noticed again. I rub my belly and let a few more tears fall.

"You miss daddy, too, don't you? But I think we're gonna be fine, you know? Well, we have your uncle Lucas, and your grandparents, we'll have my sisters here for a while after you get out of there…"

"And you'll have your aunt Brooke around all the time", I look up to see Brooke standing in front of me, then she sits beside me and puts her hand over mine, "And aunt Peyton, and maybe even her hot papa, if I'm lucky", she actually winks at my belly, and I playfully slap her arm.

"Brooke! Shut up!" I laugh.

"Well, got you to smile, didn't I?"

I just shove my tongue at her and get up. "I gotta go take a shower" It's not till I'm inside the bathroom that I realize I still have his sweater on my hands. I bring him closer to me, needing to feel him here. This hole, the emptiness, it doesn't go away, but it seems… less bad at times. It's weird, but I feel safer here than anywhere else. The place I was so afraid of, it's the one who gives me hope. He said, he promised he'd be with me, no matter what, and he is. I have to believe that.

_Together in all these memories  
__I see your smile  
__All the memories I hold dear  
__Darling you know I'll love you  
__Till the end of time_

I finish my shower and leave the bathroom about 20 minutes after I got in. I almost jump as I see Lucas and Peyton there with Brooke.

"Guys… what are you doing here?" I say in surprise and go hug them. Luke stands up from where they're all sitting, on the bed, and gives me a side hug.

"Peyton and I were talking and we… I don't know… we just didn't think it was right for us to be apart tonight"

"We'd be too worried, anyway, and it just feels like we should all be together", Peyton adds, "I hope it's ok"

"Yeah, of course it is", I smile at her and hug Luke tighter, "I'm glad you two came", I walk to the bed and let myself fall between the girls, resting my head on Peyton's lap, Lucas soon joining us.

Brooke lies down so that her face's close to my belly and starts talking to the baby, again, while tickling it. "You see, little boy? We're all here for you and you momma, yes we are", she talks with a baby voice, "and we'll take care of the two of you. And then, when you're a little bigger, we'll play around the house and drive mommy crazy, aren't we?" she keeps talking as we all laugh, then she looks at me and I smile thankfully.

"Brooke?" I say.

"…and then you're gonna have all these girls after you, but you have to remember…"

"Brooke!" I say louder, to try and get her to stop babbling. When she does, and looks at me, I smile, "You wanna be his godmother?"

She stops and just looks at me for the longest time, her eyes filling with tears, "Are you serious?" her voice is full of emotion.

"Of course I am"

"Oh my god, I can't believe it, I would love to", she gets up to hug me, "You have no idea how much this means to me", her voice starts to break again and I hug her back. She pulls away and wipes her tears, smiling happily, "So who's the godfather?"

"Who else could it be but my best friend?" I look at Lucas and wink. His turn to hug me now. Then I look at Peyton, apologetically, "Sorry", I bite my lower lip.

"It's ok", she shrugs, "I can settle for being his favorite aunt"

"Deal", we both shake hands while Brooke looks at us in disbelief.

"Excuse me, but I think the favorite aunt spot is already taken… by ME!"

"Is not!" Peyton gasps.

"Is too!" Brooke replies in the same childish tone.

"Is not!"

Brooke doesn't say anything, but soon slaps Peyton's arm.

Peyton gasps again, "You are dead, Davis", she throws a pillow on Brooke, and they start fighting like two little kids. Lucas soon joins them and I can't help but laugh at the scene in front of me. Peyton lost two moms and she's still able to laugh like that, Lucas has been through hell with Dan, and lost Keith, and he's still able to just be happy. Brooke misses her parents, she lost Lucas and Peyton, twice, and she was able to find her way back. So I guess I'll find mine, too, with their help. I stop and wonder if I should be thinking those things already. It seems so soon… it's not ok, it's not. Should I be laughing already? Should we all be having this much fun? I think we should. Cause that's what he would want, and wish for us.

A while later we're all huddled together in bed, Lucas stroking my hair. "Has my little nephew calmed down already?"

"Yeah… I seriously think Brooke's voice soothes him, for some weird reason"

"Hey My voice is very… sooth… like!" she protests, beside me. "You hear that, Peyton?" she points to herself, "Favorite aunt", she whispers.

"Sure. Just wait till he's born and you make him listen to Pussycat Dolls all day long, and we'll see who's his favorite aunt. That kid's so gonna need me!"

"If you two don't stop with that right now, there will be no godmothers or favorite aunts anymore", I pretend to scold them.

"Gee, she's strict", Peyton mumbles.

"Tell me about it", Brooke rolls her eyes.

Lucas and I look at each other, amused. "Thank you guys. For being here and… everything", I hold Lucas and Brooke's hands, who are beside me, and smile at Peyton. "I seriously don't know what I'd do if it wasn't for you", I start to get emotional again. Lucas hugs me, letting me rest my head on his chest and kissing the top of my head, and the girls wrap their arms around me. I feel completely safe, and at that moment I know he's with us. He's always be. Always and forever.

**_"Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often think that in doing so, we're betraying our loved one. We can never replace what's been lost, but instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs, we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We begin to live again." _**

**

* * *

Song:** Memories, by Within Temptation. 


End file.
